Attachment styles form in childhood and influence how we connect and interact in relationships throughout our lives. When parent-child bonds lack security, it can affect our sense of self and trust in others. By understanding our attachment style, we can approach relationships with greater intention, allowing for healing and growth

What Are Attachment Styles and Why Do They Matter?

Attachment is the emotional bond that is created between a child and a caregiver. This bond is created through hormones triggered by the emotional, mental, and physical connections shared between the caregiver and the infant. The caregiver’s interactions with the child, especially between infancy and 2 years old (Bowlby, 1997), can determine how the child learns to attach and connect with people outside the family unit. If there are ruptures in the attachment between parent and child, the child may develop anxious attachment, avoidant-dismissive attachment, or disorganized attachment.

Understanding the different attachment styles helps us recognize how we and others show up in relationships. It also sheds light on how past attachment traumas or wounds continue to influence our decisions and behaviors as adults. With this awareness, we can take steps toward healing, allowing us to feel more secure with ourselves and in our connections with others. Let’s dive into the characteristics of each attachment style and how they influence our emotional well-being and connections with others.

What is Secure Attachment?

Secure attachment in infancy develops when a child trusts that their caregivers are reliable and consistently available as a source of safety and comfort. This trust allows the child to explore their environment, knowing they have a secure base to return to when needed (Chen, 2019). As adults, those with secure attachment can self-regulate, experience more trusting and open relationships, and be more emotionally attuned to themselves and those around them.

What is Anxious Attachment?

Anxious attachment in childhood develops when there is a lack of consistent emotional attunement, affection, and encouragement from the caregivers. This can occur if the caregiver is hyperreactive and the child is never sure how the caregiver is going to respond. This leads to heightened anxiety and a need for reassurance. This uncertainty fosters a deep fear of abandonment and rejection (Levine & Heller, 2010). As adults, individuals with an anxious attachment may become overly dependent on others for emotional support and struggle with insecurity in relationships, seeking constant validation and fearing their partner will leave.

What is Avoidant-Dismissive Attachment?

Avoidant attachment occurs in childhood when the caregiver is dismissive or emotionally or physically not present. After experiencing disappointment and rejection recurringly, the child learns to stop trying, shut down, and put up barriers to emotional connections with others. They have learned that they can’t rely on others to meet their emotional needs so, ‘what’s the point?’ As adults, those with avoidant attachment often struggle with intimacy, preferring independence over closeness (Levine & Heller, 2010). They may have difficulty trusting others and tend to withdraw from emotional situations, avoiding the vulnerability that comes with deep connections.

What is Disorganized Attachment?

Disorganized attachment happens in childhood when a child experiences confusing and even frightening reactions from a caregiver. Disorganized attachment is characterized by contradictory behaviors in relationships, stemming from a caregiver who is both a source of comfort and fear (Levine & Heller, 2010). This can look like the child wanting to reach out to the caregiver for comfort while also feeling anxious and scared about how the caregiver may react. In adulthood, disorganized attachment can manifest as an inability to regulate emotions, chaotic relationship patterns, and struggling to trust.

When Attachment Styles Mix in Relationships

When individuals with different attachment styles come together, a mix of challenges and dynamics tend to arise. For example, a partner with an anxious attachment may crave constant reassurance, while an avoidant partner might feel overwhelmed by emotional closeness, leading to a cycle of pursuing and distancing (Johnson, 2008). Disorganized attachment adds another layer of complexity, incorporating push-pull behaviors of wanting to connect but putting up barriers that may sabotage this connection. Therapy, such as EMDR, can be instrumental in helping both partners heal from their individual attachment wounds and foster more secure, balanced relationships.

Healing Attachment Wounds with EMDR

Now that you’ve explored the different attachment styles that develop in childhood, you may have a clearer understanding of why you or a loved one might struggle in relationships. The good news is that healing from childhood attachment trauma and repairing attachment wounds is entirely possible. Thanks to neuroplasticity—and the brain’s incredible ability to change—therapeutic techniques like Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) can help reprocess negative beliefs that contribute to unhealthy relationship patterns. This paves the way for healthier, more positive beliefs, building a foundation of security both within yourself and in your relationships.

If you're ready to heal your attachment wounds and build healthier relationships, EMDR therapy could be the next step on your journey. As a certified EMDR therapist in Winter Park and Casselberry, I specialize in helping individuals process trauma and create secure, lasting connections. Contact me today to schedule a consultation and start your path toward emotional healing and stronger relationships.

Additional Reading Materials on Attachment & Relationships

1. Levine, A., & Heller, R. (2010). Attached: The new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find—and keep—love. TarcherPerigee.

2. Chen, A. (2019). The Attachment Theory Workbook: Powerful tools to promote understanding, increase stability, and build lasting relationships. Althea Press.

3. Johnson, S. M. (2008). Hold Me Tight: Seven conversations for a lifetime of love. Little, Brown Spark.

These books provide deeper insights into attachment theory, personal healing, and strengthening relationships.

Disclaimer: The recommended reading materials are provided for educational purposes only. The therapist does not receive any endorsements or compensation from the authors or publishers of these books.

References:

1. Bowlby, John (1997) Attachment and loss. Volume 1: attachment. London: Pimlico

2. Levine, A., & Heller, R. (2010). Attached: The new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find—and keep—love. TarcherPerigee.

3. Chen, A. (2019). The attachment theory workbook: Powerful tools to promote understanding, increase stability, and build lasting relationships. Althea Press.