Setting Boundaries: What They Are and How They Build Healthier Relationships
Boundaries help to establish clear expectations for ourselves and those around us. They help us express our needs and communicate what we are comfortable with to help identify our limits. If you’re feeling burnt out, resentful, or uncomfortable in multiple areas of your life, chances are, you’re lacking boundaries.
What Are Boundaries?
Boundaries are the limits we set to protect our emotional and physical well-being. They help create a safe, reliable space around us, allowing us to define what we are comfortable with in our relationships. By paying attention to how certain situations make us feel—both physically and emotionally—we can better understand our personal limits and communicate them clearly to others.
Setting boundaries is crucial for healing from trauma or stepping outside of toxic relationships, as it helps reclaim a sense of safety and control in your life. By establishing clear limits, you foster a healthier self-image and build more balanced, respectful relationships that support your emotional well-being.
Why Are Boundaries Important
Boundaries are a necessary part of building self-respect and creating healthier relationships. Boundaries allow us to prioritize our well-being, ensuring that we are not constantly giving at the expense of our own mental and emotional health. When we constantly give without limits, we eventually run out of internal and external resources, leaving us depleted and oftentimes resentful.
Boundaries are important because they allow us to honor our needs, both mentally and physically, by not allowing ourselves to be taken advantage of or put into situations that cause us to feel unsafe. When we have a clear understanding of our boundaries, we can confidently face situations, knowing we will protect ourselves by saying no or stepping away when necessary.
How to Know When to Set a Boundary
Feeling burnt out, drained, or resentful can often signal a lack of boundaries. You might feel trapped in relationships that leave you exhausted or uncomfortable after spending time together, or perhaps you're dreading work and struggling to carve out time for yourself. These experiences are common signs that boundaries are missing or need reinforcement.
By tuning into your emotions and gaining a clearer understanding of your values, you can recognize when and where boundaries need to be set. When you honor what truly matters to you, it becomes easier to identify situations that don’t align with your well-being and to confidently set limits that support a healthier, more balanced life.
Here are the 3 key steps to knowing when to set boundaries:
Identify Your Core Values: Reflect on what truly matters to you in relationships and daily life.
Acknowledge Your Emotions: Notice when certain situations or interactions make you feel uncomfortable, anxious, or drained.
Define Your Limits: Determine what you need to feel safe, respected, and fulfilled.
How to Set Boundaries
Setting and committing to your boundaries can be one of the most challenging parts of personal growth. It’s natural to feel uncomfortable or even anxious, as setting boundaries can shift the dynamics of your relationships, which isn’t always easy to face—even if it’s ultimately for the better. You’re not alone in feeling nervous about this.
When setting boundaries, take it at your own pace. If expressing them in person feels challenging at first, try sharing over Facetime, a phone call, or even by text. Remember, it’s perfectly okay if your in-person delivery isn’t exactly how you planned—it’s also fine to start with a softer approach until you feel more comfortable. As you continue to set boundaries and feel the benefits of them, your confidence will grow.
3 Ways to Support Yourself as You Plan to Set Boundaries:
Seek support from trusted friends, family, or a mental health professional.
Remind yourself that change is worth the effort if it means creating healthier, more fulfilling relationships.
Visualize the benefits of stronger boundaries, like increased self-respect and more positive experiences.
3 Things to Consider When Setting Boundaries:
Define Your Limits: Be clear on what’s acceptable for you, whether it’s limiting screen time for self-care or saying "no" to extra work.
Communicate Firmly and Kindly: Use "I" statements to share your boundaries clearly, without blaming others.
Enforce and Reinforce: Stick to your boundaries consistently, even when it’s uncomfortable or others push back.
Examples of Setting Boundaries:
If you struggle with over-committing yourself to plans or feel burnt out often, this might be a good one for you —
I enjoy hanging out and catching up, and I need time for myself to recharge, especially on weeknights. Let’s plan to connect over the weekend instead. This will allow me to recharge and be more present while we’re together. Thanks for being supportive!
If you struggle to say “no” or feel like you’re constantly taking on everyone else’s issues and are not able to focus on your own, something along these lines could be helpful—
I care about what you’re going through, and I want to support you. Right now, though, I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed myself. I need some time to process my own feelings before I can be fully present for you. Let’s plan to talk tomorrow when I can be there for you more effectively.
Managing Emotional Reactions to Boundaries
Some people just don’t have the capacity to receive or respect boundaries well—and that’s okay! It’s up to us to decide our own next steps. Depending on the situation, you can talk it through with the person, reinforce your boundaries if needed, or evaluate if you want to keep them in your life.
If you’re stuck with this person (hello, workplace dynamics!), set a boundary for yourself. Engage only when necessary, lower your expectations so you’re not caught off guard, and save your emotional energy for people who respect it. Boundaries are here to make things easier for you—even if that means handling challenging personalities with a smile and a strong sense of self!
Moving Forward With Healthy Boundaries
Setting and upholding boundaries is a powerful step in building healthier relationships and protecting your well-being. Sometimes, it’s about stopping the cycle of wasting time and energy on people or situations that aren’t offering anything meaningful in return.
For those navigating attachment trauma or toxic relationships, EMDR therapy can help process underlying barriers that make boundary-setting difficult. Healing past wounds allows you to step into relationships with more confidence, resilience, and self-respect. Remember, you’re creating space for connections and experiences that genuinely support you.
